


Since I've Been Loving You

by momentofzen



Category: Blur
Genre: M/M, angst !!, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 03:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10481040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentofzen/pseuds/momentofzen
Summary: "Since I've been loving youI'm about to lose my worried mindSaid I've been crying, my tears they fell like rainDon't you hear, don't you hear them falling?"Set in 1994.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

_Does she even know how to kiss him?_

Graham found himself thinking such things whenever he saw Damon, _his_ Damon with... her.

_Does she know I'm able to get him off in less than a minute?_

They were kissing now. _God_ , it hurt more than when he'd eventually spot Damon whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

_Just like he used to do to Graham._

_Does she know how he likes his eggs in the morning? Or that he likes it when I sing to him before he falls asleep? Does he smile at her like he used to smile at me?_

Alex reassured him it wouldn't last.  
"Come on, Gra, she's only after his fame. Y'know that won't last."

The words from two years ago buzzed in his ear.

_Does she know he used to love when I read him poetry?_

Graham was drowning. He was drowning and there was no one there to save him. He could feel himself running out of breath. Every time he saw Damon with Justine he wanted to commit suicide in the quickest way possible. Or kill them both. Or maybe even just her. Hopefully soon, he'd drop dead. Maybe all the booze he's been drinking frantically would kill him. Or the drugs would.

He wished he'd die. 

_Does she even take the time to notice how particularly prettier he is right after he wakes up?_

Graham wanted Damon, _his Damon_ , to be his again. He wanted more than sloppy drunk kisses backstage. He wanted him. All of him. All for himself.

_Does she know we used to fuck on a daily basis?_

The memories wouldn't stop coming back to haunt him. Making fun of him. Laughing at him for not being able to fall in love again.

But how could you fall in love _again_ when you've never fell  _out_ of love in the first place? 

Damon still had Graham's heart in his hands. 

Graham hadn't seen Damon's in a very long time.

  _"You're heavenly, Gra." Damon murmured to him once, after they'd fucked twice in a row and the smell of sex lingered in the air. Lingered everywhere._

_Does she know he used to tell me everything?_

_Used to._ That's the keyword here.

_"Gra, I met this amazing girl yesterday-."_

Graham could remember his words. Could remember how bad it felt. Could remember how it felt like someone had ripped his heart from his chest and squeezed it until it bled. Squeezed him until he bled. Until he was left to pieces. Until he no longer existed yet somehow, unfortunately, was still alive. Until his soul left his body. 

Damon, his Damon, was slipping through his fingers like sand and there was nothing he could do about it.

If he closed his eyes, he could feel Damon's gentle touches. He could smell him. He could hear him, his laughter, his breathing. His moans.

_Used to._

_Does she even love him?_

Graham got choked up again. He excused himself and went to the bathroom. Once he got there, he locked himself in one of the stalls and used the toilet as a stool. He helplessly brought his knees to his chest and hid his face and tears, like a child. _He was pathetic._ He needed a drink. _He needed a gun._

A helpless child. That's who he was when Damon wasn't with him. That's who he was, deep  _deep down._

 _And god,_ he yearned to feel his touches again. He longed for his warm embrace, all he wanted to do was to hold onto him and stare longingly into those beautiful eyes and Graham was  _about to lose his mind._ He really was. He did the best he could to forget him, slept with countless girls and fuck the band, fuck the fame, fuck the money, the drugs, the alcohol if it meant Damon would come back to him, he swore he'd give up on everything. _He'd give everything up. He'd go homeless._

_He was doing the best he could. God, he really was. He was doing the best he could and nobody even noticed it._

God, Graham had never been this desperate before in his life. Couldn't Damon see it in his eyes everytime he looked at him? Did he suddenly forget everything that happened between the two of them? The countless nights spent awake, making each other curse, promising eternal love, using God's name in vain and swearing they'd reached heaven?

_He was losing it._

_The memories wouldn't let him go._

_He was losing it._

Everywhere he looked, everything he read, every song he listened to, had a bit of Damon in them. The world, the Gods, the Universe -- whatever the fuck you wanna call it were playing one of the cruelest pranks on him and how come nobody took notice of how badly he was suffering?

His body had Damon's fingerprints all over it. It was like a crime scene. 

_He was losing it._

Come to think about it, he had lost it two years ago. He wasn't even himself anymore. All he had, all he was -- belonged to Damon. His soul belonged to him. He belonged to him. And he was sure he'd never be able to belong to anybody else.

He felt like a little boy, scared of the world yet blessed with a fury that could make the Gods tremble. If only he knew how to use all his anger, where to direct all this anger instead of directing it only towards himself in the form of self-destructive behaviours.

_But he wanted to die._

If it were back then, Damon would've come to check on him.

"Gra, you alright?" He'd knock on the door and suddenly, Graham would smile and everything _would_ become alright.

But nobody came. _Not even Damon._

_Graham had lost it._

_He was drowning, struggling to feel alive._

_Does she even love him like I love him?_


End file.
